how you came to be
well you see, kid.
your mother and i,
we really went through
a lot when we were
young. it’s kind of a
miracle that you’re
it all started when
i moved to town.
i was kind of poor then.
your grandmother and i
did our best, but money
was always tight.
the other kids at school
noticed and they gave me
hell about my clothes
and shoes. and of course
they all had cars, but a car
was just a dream for me.
your mother, she was in
with all those rich kids.
your grandpa, her dad,
well you know he was loaded.
he’s owned that dealership
for a long time, i guess.
your mother though,
she was always nice.
but because of the money
we were always in different
groups at first.
she went with her friends,
and i went by myself.
i always liked her
though, and i have
she’s the most beautiful girl.
still, at the time
she was just another
dream for me.
it was the night of the prom though
when the aliens came down.
they attacked our high-school.
turns out, the principal had been
an alien the whole time.
he’d sort of
been giving the mothership information
while the rest of the aliens waited to
but first was the prom.
i wore a tux my mom found
at the thrift store. it fit funny,
but i didn’t care. i was going to
the prom to get your mother.
she was there in pink silk.
her hair was curled and she
looked like a tulip.
one thing about your mother, kid,
she used to have awful taste in men.
it was only when she met me
that she got her head on straight.
she was there with this guy. chad.
talk about a moron.
anyway, he was spiking the punch with
skeeter mcgrady and mitch carson
when i finally got to speak
to your mother. i was nervous.
she couldn’t hardly hear me over
the music, so i just grabbed her and said,
‘you like dancing right?’
and she smiled and said ‘yes.’
so we slow danced.
what we didn’t know
at the time
was that the aliens were descending
to the surface of the earth on gamma rays.
they were sneaky about it in a lot of ways.
of course, no one suspected that they’d
choose santa moncita bay, california to invade.
i mean, of all places, right?
anyway, they were on their way.
they’d already killed the henderson’s dog
and sheriff lyle by the time
anybody noticed that
something was wrong.
but back to your mother and i–
we were dancing.
that’s when chad noticed us.
chad really hated me back then.
he kind of led his cronies and
he always wanted them to beat me up
because i was poor.
so when he saw me with your mom,
and with some booze in his system,
he was even madder than normal.
he got his boys together.
it was always funny, chad would just
snap his fingers and all those dorks
would just appear around him.
anyway, they came up to us and chad
pulled your mother away from me.
he told me, ‘i’m going to kick your ass!’
and he said, ‘you don’t get to put your
impoverished hands on my girlfriend!’
and stuff like that. i just looked at him.
of course, it’s funny to think
that at this very moment four-star generals
were getting wake up calls from the pentagon.
they wiped sleep from their eyes as someone
in a bunker told them that the
‘starbright contingency’ was now in full effect.
troops were mobilizing, but of course
the infantry at the time wasn’t prepared for
the aliens. they didn’t realize that they
modeled themselves after their human hosts.
nor did they really know how to stop them.
so troops and tanks and f-16s were all scrambled
into our little california town for no good reason.
most of these guys would be dead by aliens before morning.
but in the gym, i didn’t know anything about this.
i was just trying to get away from chad and his goons.
turns out, your mother was as tired of him as i was. she
pulled away from skeeter and told chad that he didn’t get to
decide who touches her. and she told him that she would
not let him touch her anymore, since the choice was hers.
that’s when the ground started to shake.
it had been doing that a lot lately, but it was california
so we didn’t think anything of it.
but this time, it knocked everyone in the gymnasium
off their feet. the lights over the stage all started to fall and
one even fell on the drummer’s drum-set. the guys in the band all
jumped off the stage to get out of the way.
chad tried to pull your mom out of there, because we were all
getting scared. but she didn’t go with him.
she went with me. all the students poured out
of the gymnasium and into the night.
near the door the
principal tried to grab your mother.
i splashed a nearby coca-cola on him when the ground shook again
and his skin started to melt.
i thought that was weird, but i was scared and so was your mom.
so we just ran the heck out of there.
we ran out of there and got in her car.
it was a gto. your mother has always had style.
anyway, we roared away. when we were in the car is when we finally
heard the radio. the reporter was on all the channels and he
was talking about how everyone needed to stay in their homes and
that the army was fighting an alien force. and the reporter said,
‘and ladies and gentlemen, i’m sorry to say it, but the aliens are
winning!’ then he started to talk in a strange noise and i turned the
radio off. your mother said, ‘what are you doing?’ and i said,
‘don’t you get it? he’s one of them!’
so we drove in silence and we tried to think of a plan.
listen, i know it’s getting late, so i’ll just try
to make a long story short. it was your old man and your mom
who told the army about the alien’s allergy
apparently the aliens didn’t realize that the world’s most popular
soda was toxic. so the army outfitted fire trucks with
barrels of coca-cola and blasted everyone on earth with coca-cola
to make sure that none of the aliens survived.
also, your mother and i almost died when we were destroying the alien
nursery underneath the school. those alien nurseries are heavily guarded,
for future reference, and it’s harder than hell to aim a coca-cola fire hose
when the earth won’t stop shaking because the aliens are burrowing all the way
to the core of the earth to steal our magma.
also, chad came and tried to beat me up down in the basement with his buddies,
and that was a huge distraction for me and your mother until the alien queen–
who had been disguised as the principal–ate them all up and turned them into
but in the end, we killed the principal alien.
later that night, after the world was saved,
your mom and i went for a milkshake. we drank it on
the hood of her car. then we drove to a hill and watched all
the stars in the sky until the sun came up.
and that’s when your mom and i had sex.
we were pretty exhilarated from the whole alien experience.
and when you go through something life-or-death like that,
it’s easy to know that it’s true love. we each saved each
other’s life a couple of times that night.
so it was all square.
then nine months later, sure enough, there you were!