#44/12-4-2014

Market Values of Thoughts and Prayers Bottom Out

New York- Shareholders suffered through another abysmal showing of Thoughts and Prayers (TNP) Wednesday. Analysts attribute the stock’s poor performance to an endless spree of tragedies occurring across the country, resulting in an increased market saturation and waning investor demands.

The stock, once considered a blue-chip investment by analysts, saw its share prices drop another 18% to an all-time low of $1.29.

Floor-trader Bill McEwan went to work Thursday looking to dump his remaining shares.

“I don’t know what will happen today, but i’m sure it’ll be something crappy. next thing you know Obama, Congress, and media outlets will drench the market with ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ for grieving family members,” McEwan said. “and that’s not going to help me dump the rest of this godforsaken stock.”

Though Wednesday is certainly a low-point for the stock’s price, some argue that the decline has been steady. Sylvia Moore, whose son Deion was killed while in police custody back in October, discovered first-hand the value of Thoughts and Prayers.

“When Deion died, Thoughts and Prayers were heaped upon me and my family. Everyone, even the President, offered me some of their Thoughts and Prayers. People said that’s what you get when something bad happens. But I went to cash it all in and I couldn’t even put a wreath on his grave for the price of that garbage.”

Economists agree that the outlook for Thoughts and Prayers gives speculators little encouragement.

“It’s basic economics. There is little room for optimism regarding a rebound for these share prices,” said Harvard Economist Bob Rindell. “What investors want is an increasing demand, not a lack thereof. We’ve seen it for months: people are just not buying Thoughts and Prayers any longer.”

Rindell added, “Trends have indicated that Thoughts and Prayers can flourish in a stable nation and in periods of sustained integrity and honesty. We’ve seen that before. But this is the digital age. Everything crappy that happens is videotaped and broadcast. It’s hard for investors to feel confident that investing in Thoughts and Prayers can return any kind of value. Most Americans have witnessed others fall victim to the stock’s once mighty allure only to be left with nothing.”

“Especially,” Rindell said, “Now that the nation’s leaders shill these worthless shares with a rather shameful tenacity. In reality, all they’re doing is saturating the market with garbage.”

“I doubt it will get any better,” agreed trader Bob McEwan. “Maybe I’m being pessimistic, but like I said, I’m jumping ship. I’ll probably put all my faith in body-camera stock. that’s going to be huge. And I always like buying Lockheed-Martin. I’ll probably buy some combination of the two.”

“I think we may be witnessing the end of an era,” said Rindell, adding, “and that’s just sort of sad.”

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