a patsy: the unofficial story
‘i woke up that day just like any other day. i took a shower just like any other day. i whacked off while i was in there, i guess that was different cause normally i wait till later when i’m trying to fall asleep, but otherwise everything was the same,’ says sal.
‘when i got downstairs i was already dressed and the kids were all eating cereal before school. that’s when i got the burrito out of the freezer.’
back in the prison, sal hesitates. his right hand shakes. he steadies it with his left. his face drains of color. visibly shell-shocked he whispers, ‘that goddam burrito,’ and then he stares into the metal table; inanimate as a mannequin.
without moving and still staring with intent into the table, he begins to speak again.
‘my wife’s been getting on top of me about eating healthier. guess she got tired of lugging around an oaf. anyway, one of the ways she figured to get me healthy was by getting me to stop eating mcdonalds on my way to work. she knew i’d grab a couple of sausage biscuits on my way to work and we both knew that wasn’t helping me get any thinner. her solution to that was the breakfast burritos.’
‘the burritos started out fine. she’d put egg and sausage and cheese in there, just like the ones we’re all used to. but that was only at first. after a while she saw i was holding steady with my weight and she said, ‘well i guess i’m going to have to figure something else out for you.’ so she got on the internet and went on the pinterest and found these kale and quinoa burritos to make for me.’
he pauses here, and looks directly at me. he says, ‘now, let me ask you something: do i look like the kind of guy who’d ever want to eat a kale and quinoa burrito?’
i say ‘no’ without hesitation. looking at his simple brown eyes and artie lange-like figure, i couldn’t say anything else without being wholly dishonest.
proud, sal smiles and says, ‘exactly!’
‘but that’s what she made me. she’d make sure i ate that before i went out the door. i’d bristle at her checking up on me like that at first, but after a while i figured burritos weren’t worth the fight. i just wanted her to be happy. happy wife, happy life. isn’t that what they say?’
he adds, ‘and of course i was still stopping by mcdonalds on the way to work, so i figured everyone’s getting what they want.’
‘anyway, that day i microwaved the burrito and ate it over the sink in about three bites. i put some coffee in my thermos and kissed my wife and kids goodbye. then i got in my car, drove it to mcdonalds and then ate my sausage biscuits on rest of the drive to work. i hadn’t been driving seven minutes when i felt a pain in my stomach.’
‘it wasn’t one of those stomach aches where you just shrug it off. it hurt bad. i felt like a sumo wrestler was standing on my guts. in the driver’s seat i sort of doubled over, grabbed my stomach and went like this, “UGGGGHHHH.” i almost rear-ended a guy at the stop light because i was in so much pain. not only that, but i felt an entire load drop a level in my system. it was like a lock in the canal had been released and everything was flooding to somewhere further down the to make up the difference. i clenched my butt-hole so hard i could hardly see straight.’
‘and of course i knew what it was that caused it.’
‘what’s funny though, is that the pain stopped after a couple of minutes. i felt like myself again. it was strange. i could even take a breath from clenching. so i told myself, ‘alright. when you get to work, make sure to poop.’ i figured that’s all it was.’
‘i parked and started off across the parking lot. i had a terrible parking spot, so i always had to walk a ways to get into the building. and that’s when i first saw all the cops and swat-team and secret service all over the building. i figured, ‘somebody important must be in town.’ not that i cared. right then i just wanted to find a toilet so i could stop worrying about the pain coming back and causing me to poop in my pants.’