#57/12-18-2014

Dick Cheney Still Clinging to Childhood Dream of Lasting World Peace

Washington DC-

Citing his desire to ‘see all the children of the world tucked safe into a warm bed every night by loving parents’ with ‘a school-book by their pillow’ and ‘a full tummy to boot,’ a dough-eyed Dick Cheney made an impassioned speech on behalf of world peace before a crowd of supporters gathered outside a DC area food-bank.

‘Believe it or not,’ said the former Vice President, ‘I was a child once. Of course, I’ve grown up. But I’ve never lost sight of my dreams. Dreams of living in a world where people treat people peacefully, justly and kind. Where we unite as a planet under one flag and sing freely of our love for humanity.’

‘What would be so great, what would be so miraculous,’ said a visibly excited Cheney, ‘would be knowing that peace was only possible because it took all of us to achieve and maintain it–world peace–together!’

‘I mean, can you imagine?’ added the former Chairman and CEO of Halliburton as he teared up with joy. ‘Our children would be so proud. Our parents would be proud. Our neighbors would be proud. Our planet would be proud. And we would be too!’

Throughout his speech, Cheney made frequent reference to ‘compassion and empathy’ as ‘the tools needed for us to build a better world.’ Tools, Cheney said, he’s ‘tried to pull out of the tool-belt every single day.’

‘The world has a home, an education, and food for every man, woman and child regardless of race, color or creed. As Americans, we can lead the world by our example. If,’ said Cheney, ‘we decide we’re willing to try a different approach.’

The crowd of supporters, an estimated two-hundred peace-activists, students and shelterees, cheered loudly throughout Cheney’s impassioned speech.

‘Mr. Cheney is exactly right. We can do this if we decide that it is what we want,’ said university student Sanjahar Patel. ‘Call me crazy, but today I actually believed in a politician!’

‘I hope he nails his speech onto the doors of Congress tonight just to send them a message,’ added Patel.

Cheney concluded his speech by saying, ‘I do what I do because I want to help the world become a better place. I can only do that by speaking on behalf of peace and by limiting the violence in my footprint.’

‘I’ve eliminated my carbon footprint by driving a Prius and recycling everything I can get my hands on, so why couldn’t I eliminate the violence in my footprint in the same fashion? All it would take is doing good by others and following the Golden Rule.’

‘I know it sounds wild,’ Cheney added, ‘but I’ve always been the one with sugarplums dancing in my head.’

Cheney, often regarded as America’s leading human rights activist, was visibly distraught when he began speaking on current wartime atrocities, international human rights violations, environmental concerns and corruption at nearly all levels of government.

‘Dark clouds do appear,’ he said. ‘But we must never give up hope. We must never stop working towards peace. Rainbows will appear from behind the clouds, and they will bless us if we seek them out.

‘Maintaining a state of peace requires the same vigilance it takes to maintain a state of war. Only it requires a lot less lying,’ he said with a warm chuckle.

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