#72/1-1-2015

his heavenly assignment

-but it will fly.

-it won’t, lou. it ain’t going anywhere. ‘cept in the pot for supper.

-you aren’t cookin’ this one!

-fine. you keep it. just get inside.

-not yet.

-listen to me. you can’t be out here like that.

-but…

-but nothing.

-it told me it wanted to do it now.

-honey, it’s a potato. it didn’t tell you anything.

-not the potato. the potato didn’t talk. potatoes don’t talk… ya dimwit.

-what’d you say? don’t turn your back on me.

-where do you want me to send him, god?

-lou! now who’re you talking to?

-would you shut up a minute?! i need to hear this.

-ugh. lou, you’re acting like a gahdarned lunatic. why don’t you just come on up here and come inside?

-i’ll come inside when i’m ready. i gotta do this first.

-you gotta do that? fine. where’s the potato want to go, lou? where’s god telling you to send him?

-well i can’t hear him over your cackle.

-louis elgin graves.

-what is it, thelma?

-if you could only see yourself. lou god isn’t talking to you. if he did, he probably wouldn’t tell you to be out here in your underwear like you are. with the potato.

-he said he’s waiting for it.

-well isn’t that nice. i mean right now we’re all waiting. you’re waiting on god. the potato’s waiting to fly. and i’m waiting on you to figure out what an ass you are.

-SHH!

-what is it?

-SHHHHHHH!

-you hear something?

-thelma!

-i whispered didn’t i?

-i hear him.

-god?

-yes.

-what’s he saying.

-i’ve got it. yeah i can do that. ok. towards the sunset?

-what about the sunset?

-ok. and you want me to say it just like that?

-lou!

-ok, just heave it then?

-lou are you playing?

-thelma-hush. sorry, sir. yeah, it’s just my wife. she is ain’t she. yeah. no, i can’t believe her sometimes myself. yeah. well…

-what’d he say about me?

-he said you talk too much.

-no he didn’t.

-ok, well yeah i’ll just do my best then, how’s that sound?

-did he really say that?

-he did. sorry it was thelma again. do you want to talk to her? ok. right. sure. i’ll tell her. and yeah, don’t worry about a thing. i’ll take care of it. yeah, no problem. really, if you’re happy i’m happy.

-what did he tell you to tell me?

-alright. yeah, well you know how to reach me. ok. sounds good. yep. alrighty. bye god.

-lou, you gotta tell me.

-just a sec, woman. I CAST THIS SPUD AGAINST THE ARMIES OF SATAN!

-geeze, lou. what was that about? and i never knew you throw like a wimp.

-i guess i do.

-you barely made it over the fence.

-i guess you’re right.

-lou, the potato didn’t fly.

-well.

-you said the potato will fly.

-it kind of did didn’t it?

-lou all you did was toss the potato twelve feet. you tossed the potato twelve feet into our neighbor’s yard.

-towards the sunset.

-so?

-so that’s what he told me to do. what’d you expect?

-so you’re job was to toss the potato into the neighbor’s yard where their stupid dog will prolly eat it?

-god says by doing that i shattered a vortex of evil that was brewing precisely where it landed. i don’t know. he didn’t give me all the details.

-lou, look at me.

-what?

-lou. you’re my husband and i love you, so i want you to promise me that you’re telling me the truth right now.

-thelma, i promise.

-swear it!

-ok, i swear that i’m telling you the truth.

-lou!

-thelma, why is it so hard for you to believe? you’re the one who goes to church.

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