#74/1-3-2015

the wolf and the lamb

‘welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.’

‘our top story tonight is victoria reyes. ms. reyes is an ivy-league college student who writes a blog about her exploits doing ‘good’ deeds for the homeless. she’s done everything from giving them a hot meal to even letting some stay in her own house for weeks at a time. but has she gone too far with her latest publicity stunt? some say she has.

‘earlier this week she posted a video of herself getting arrested with an elderly man in tampa, florida. that’s ms. reyes being put into the squad car there. she says she was only acting in the best interest of the community, but the police are saying that by feeding the homeless, she’s not solving the problem, she’s making it worse. therefore, police say they had no choice but to arrest ms. reyes.

‘the event has caused an uproar on social-media and across the airwaves, so we decided we’d ask ms. reyes onto our show to speak with us about what happened. the very lovely ms. reyes, thanks for joining us.’

-thanks for having me.

‘absolutely, now. you are a college student correct?’

-i am.

‘and you go to school where?’

-yale.

‘so what the heck were you doing in tampa bay? you must be from there, right?’

-i was in tampa bay because i’d read about mr. waterhouse’s previous arrests for merely feeding homeless people and i wanted to join him in his efforts. not only did i want to actually help him do the actual work, but i will admit that i did want to be arrested with him for doing that work. and with my blog, i thought maybe i can shed some light on what is clearly a case of benighted social values.

‘it’s interesting that you say that, because some would say that breaking the law and hoping to be arrested for it is a case of benighted values. wouldn’t you agree?’

-no. i wouldn’t. the most important issue to remember is–

‘i get it. so you thought, ‘i run a blog. people read my blog. i’ll get arrested doing some charity work and somebody will come running to me with a book-deal.’ is that it?’

-that’s not it at all.

‘but someone has come to you with a book deal, is that right?’

-yes. someone has approached me with an offer.

‘well. lucky you.’

-sir, i am not the issue here.

‘oh you’re not?’

-no. the issue here is the law in tampa that says it is illegal for a person to feed a homeless person.

‘the law that you broke, right?’

-yes. the law that i willingly broke and was arrested and fined for is, i believe, the issue.

‘ms. reyes. have you heard of edward snowden?’

-i don’t see what that has–

‘what about bradley manning?’

-chelsea manning. yes i have.

‘chelsea manning. whatever his, or her, or its name is.’

-her name is chelsea.

‘sure it is. do you know what you have in common with them?’

-i can think of a few things.

‘whoa. whoa. whoa! ms. reyes, you are my guest and this is my show and so, while you are here, i must advise you to be careful with what you say and with whom you affiliate yourself.’

-i appreciate the warning, but i feel that most of us have something in common with both of the individuals whom you mentioned.’

‘speak for yourself.’

-i’m an american, sir, how about you?

‘we both know i am. my viewers know i am. everyone in america knows my patriotism, ok? so don’t think you’re going to come on my show and question my allegiance.’

-i came here to talk about homelessness. you’re the one who started talking about–

‘about traitors.’

-how does feeding the homeless make me a traitor?

‘because you, and edward snowden and christi manning are all alike. you all are out to get your face on the news, to be called martyrs and to get book deals so that you can continue spinning your liberal yarns, while the working folks down in tampa have to keep paying their taxes so the courts can process your court case. isn’t that right?

-no, that’s not right at all.

‘uh-huh.’

-you’re saying that we’re only doing what we’re doing because we want to be famous.

‘that’s exactly what i’m saying. prove me wrong.’

-i came on your show to discuss homelessness and the absurdity of certain laws regarding homelessness. for example, in tampa it is illegal to feed homeless people.

‘because studies have shown that feeding them gives them no incentive to work and feed themselves. between when you and mr. waterhouse started feeding the vagrants, police say the number of homeless in tampa has grown.’

-would you believe me if i said i saw them dumping random homeless at our hand-off site?

‘i absolutely would not. no way.’

-well it happened.

‘are you accusing tampa bay’s finest of dishonest practices?’

-i saw it happen and i wrote about it. have you read my blog?

‘i had an intern look it over.’

-oh. well. i’m glad you’re prepared.

‘what i wasn’t prepared for is the brazenness of your behavior. you broke the law, you said that you’re glad you did. you say you want to help the homeless, but what you’re doing is only hurting the problem. you say you’ve got lots in common with two of america’s greatest traitors since benedict arnold. and on top of that, you come out and call the a bunch tampa’s police force dishonest. let me tell you something, missy. those cops got more guts than you ever will. and they don’t do it just for some book deal. you got it?’

-oh, please.

‘and now you’re gonna cop an attitude.’

-no. i’m calmer than most people would be considering what a wretch you are. i’m going to go ahead and say something since i’ve got nothing else left to lose: you’re fucking fascist.

‘ok, that’s it. we’re done. cut her mic. cut it. get off my set. get her off my set, right now!’

‘ok, we’re going to go to commercial. i’m sorry for the profanity, ladies and gentlemen.’

‘before we go i just want to say this: sometimes i try to have a guest come onto my show who’s a little further left than we’re used to. and every time i do, it ends up like this. i want us to talk a little bit, try to work some things out and they get hostile and they start spewing socialist propaganda and then they say the most awful word in the english language right on live television. i just don’t get it. the nerve of some people.’

‘but this is america. the constitution protects wackos like ms. reyes as much as it does you and me. and i say god bless her. even if she is as deranged as she seems.’

‘alright. we’ll be back with more after these messages.’

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6 thoughts on “#74/1-3-2015

  1. So is this just a transcript of that fox nut job Bill O’Reilly’s show or how it would go if there were a Ms. Reyes and if she were to appear on it? It’s so real I can’t tell.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha. After writing this as a fictional jab, I realized that I didn’t do enough to make its unreality apparent. The guy’s so messed up, it’s tough to outdo him. But if it seems familiar I’m satisfied.

      Liked by 1 person

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