infomercial

does the state of the world

get you down?

do you feel scared

to turn on the news?

do you worry about what you’ll find

when you pick up a newspaper?

 

don’t live in fear of the news;

savor it!

with savory news!

savory news is an invigorating new way

to take in even the world’s

most ghastly news items!

 

simply plug in the

savory news printer to

your computer’s usb port.

feed the required bacon strips into

your savory news printer,

and just sit back and wait for

your delicious news to arrive!

 

savory news uses a patented

“laser-bacon-printing” technology.

watch as your savory news printer

prints the day’s top stories

onto each delicious strip of bacon!

 

the “laser-bacon-printing” technology

ensures that each strip is both

perfectly cooked and

chock full o’news!

 

read the news as you eat!

add the news to a sandwich!

put the news on your burger!

wrap the news around little smokies!

the possibilities are endless

with savory news!

 

what’s that? this offer gets

even better?

order now and personalize your

savory news printer!

we have savory news printers in

hot-rod red,

snowflake white,

midnight blue,

and bubblegum pink

for a sleek look

to take with you anywhere!

 

take savory news with you

wherever you like to commiserate

with others about the news!

take it to parties!

share savory news with your co-workers!

even carry it on a plane!

 

what’s that?

you want even more?!

for a limited time you can

personalize your savory news printer with

an exciting theme!

we have savory news printers for

the whole family!

 

the avengers for the kids!

the bachelorette for your wife!

finding nemo for your infant!

and the new england patriots for dad!

 

 

don’t ever fear looking at the news again!

stuff your face with it every single day–

with savory news!

 

order now and we’ll send you

two savory news printers

for the low, low price

of $19.95

plus shipping and handling!

 

(all bacon sold separately.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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complicit

i want to do something

about all this.

i want to be a part of the change

that needs to happen.

i want to walk away from my job,

as much as i love it,

and devote my life to

doing something

about all this.

i want to sleep on the ground

in washington.

i want to wake up next to you,

pour you a cup of coffee,

then hold your hand

and march.

i want to stand there,

proud.

not saying a word.

holding my fist in the air.

not leaving when they

tell me to.

i want them to kick my ass

because i wouldn’t listen.

because i was doing something

about all this.

i want to share a tent with

strangers.

i want to meet all the ones

like me.

normal people

who want to do something

about all this.

i want to stand with millions

on the capitol steps.

i want to never leave until

something has been done

about all this.

months and months like that.

living like slobs, and

wholly indecent people.

 

but i can’t walk away

from this.

i have a job.

they provide insurance.

i’ve got student loans.

 

if our credit rating

gets trashed, we won’t

ever own a home.

and maybe a baby will

find us someday soon.

i’ll have to work.

plus,

our house is comfortable.

and it might be cold in

washington.

the strangers might

smell bad,

or steal,

or kill me.

when i’m doing something

about all that.

 

i can’t risk it.

tonight i’m going to

eat at a real cool spot.

it’s a trendy banh-mi place

with green-haired cashiers.

i’m not afraid of them

because they’re kindly

taking my money.

 

we get along as we

share a moment

in exchange for getting

what we each want.

 

i will keep reading the news,

though.

hopefully someone does something

about all this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i can’t

did you hear about his…

i did. it’s awful. i don’t–

i just can’t.

and then they’re going to…

god, i know. they’re so–

i can’t. i can’t even.

now we’re all going to have to…

ugh! yes! it’s unbel–

i can’t…

meanwhile we’re all headed for…

don’t remind me. it makes me wanna–

i just can’t.

but this is impor…

i know it is, it’s just–

i can’t. i can’t even…

whatever you say.