Big Lib Hunters: LIVE in Las Vegas!

[A man with hair like a sleek, wispy bird’s nest walks out to the stage from behind a large curtain in a glitzy black bow tie. he looks shiny and fake-tanned. like an awards show host. A wide jacket drapes his expansive waist and rear. He stops under the spotlights to accept the large theatre’s applause. Then he waves again to the audience, and steps up two more stairs to take the podium at center stage. Slightly out of breath, he starts to speak.]

“Good evening, Las Vegas!”

[the crowd cheers.]

“Thank you! Thank you! You’re wonderful. You’re really wonderful. Good evening, again. Tonight, we’ve got a really wonderful program for you. This is the biggest show in our country’s history. This is is my favorite show, I love this show. That’s why I’m the host. And also because this whole show is my idea.

“But really, people tell me all the time, they say, ‘You know, that show was a really great idea! It was maybe one of your best ideas.’ And, you know what? I have had a lot of great ideas, which, I mean, you don’t get to become rich like me without having a lot of great ideas. And you know, that’s the beauty  of this country. I love this country.

“But I think they might be right about this one. It’s a great show. It’s turned into a great show. You’re gonna love this show. Believe me.”

[An ‘Applause’ sign blinks on-off and the crowd quickly bursts into a fanatical display of appreciation for the host. There is much cheering and whistling, hooting, hollering, yee-hawing, and  pumping of fists in the air, all interspersing yells of “Yer’gad’am’raihght!” and “WE LOVE YOU!”]

[Suddenly, the familiar initials of the nation’s Christian name break out in a unison chant.]

“C-S-A! C-S-A! C-S-A! C-S-A!”

[After stepping away from the podium, and giving space to the crowd’s mighty voice, the host claps along: clap-clap-clap, clap-clap-clap. As he retakes the podium, the crowd becomes silent.]

“Like I said, tonight we’ve got a great show for you. A really big show. We’ve got some great hunters here. Real heroes, these guys are. They’re all former soldiers, and, like all the best soldiers, they just refuse to quit.”

[Applause light blinks. Crowd cheers, and host accedes again as the room honors their heroes.]

“That’s a great gesture. Such a wonderful gesture. Yes, we should always honor our service members, and thank you for doing that before I even asked you to. You’re amazing! You’re really something.

“These people are our heroes! I hope every little boy watching tonight sees what they can grow up to become, and sees what it takes to be the best of the best. We need more of these kind of boys. Those tough kind of boys, who’ll grow up to tough guys like these.

“And, you know what? Tonight, they’re going to be chasing some really, really bad people. I don’t want to say what’s going to happen, I don’t want to give away the ending, but I  know you  paid a lot for your seats to be here tonight, and I promise you you are going to be getting your money’s worth. It’s going to be huge.

“So let’s get to it. By the way, I always say, why not just get to the point? People always say, “You get right to the point. You’re so good at getting right to the point.” And they ask me how I do it. I say, “It’s easy. You just get right to it, and that’s it.”

“So, anyway, we’re going to go to a quick commercial break, and then we’ll come back and meet our first hunter. Don’t go away! You’re gonna love this!”

[Bright outro music. The host points at the crowd. A  graphic flashes across the screen, “Big Lib Hunters: LIVE in Las Vegas!” Cut to commercial.]

Voice Over – “Our freedoms are under attack.”

[Black and white footage of Barack Obama. To a reporter, he says:]

“Eating boogers is bad. You shouldn’t do that, I don’t care what anyone says.”

[The image of Obama is darkened, and his eyes are shaded red. He looks like an infernal beast. The image continues to deteriorate and muddle as the music drops. Then everything spins into– a bright flag, a tough cowboy, a hardworking farmer, a cheerful police officer, a stoic truck driver, a grateful soldier. All with fingers in their noses, digging for gold.]

Voice  Over- “Guys like you work hard, and we know that you won’t bow to tyrants. Thank you for having the courage to pick your way to liberty. To honor you, our team at Badass Booger created the exquisite, ‘Freedom Line.’

[Different small jars, similar to Carmex containers, each labeled ‘Badass Booger’, ‘Freedom’, and separate names for the specific types, like “Patriot’s Pick”, “Common Sense Snot”, and “All Lives Matter Mucus”.]

Voice Over- “Because while your brand of boogie may be good enough to get the job done, Badass Booger has the world’s top-quality boogers, all sourced from sexy women, for when a guy like you wants to let loose and play hard, too.

[Images of guys toasting each other with boogers. A group around a Vegas roulette table, a bunch of guys at a bachelor party, two guys toasting as they hold up the lifeless body of a young black man.]

Voice Over- “Your favorite sound is freedom ringing. Now you can let freedom ring through your tastebuds, which you’ll do unless, of course, you’re an Obama loving socialist.”

[Sound of gun cocking. The screen transitions to showcase the entire line of products one more time.]

Voice Over- Badass Booger, for everyone who believes in freedom.

Mumbled Voice Over- Available at your local grocery store and pharmacy.

[Back to the broadcast, we see the host is off to the side of the stage, holding a jar of Badass Booger.]

“We’re so lucky to have these guys as our sponsor tonight. It’s a great product. My favorite product. The women who make these boogers, they’re unbelievable. That’s why I only eat this kind. You know me, I’ll only eat the best. So “let  freedom ring” indeed!

“Now onto our show. Our first hunter is a simple man from Virginia. His name is Darrel. Let’s meet him,  what do you say?!”

[The crowd cheers, and the lights in the theatre go down. The large curtain behind the host is raised and a large movie screen is seen at the back of the stage. A video begins.]

[A sun rises over the western Virginia countryside. A man carrying a rifle and body armor walks through a field in tactical gear. He wears sunglasses and a Punisher hat.]

“My name is Darrel Cummings, and I’m a rookie hunter.

“All my life, I’ve loved this country. I love what it stands for, it’s values. I served two tours already. God is very important to me and my family. I pray for my wife and my three children every night, that they won’t fall under the spell of any Obama Voodoo.

“I always pray for the CSA, too. My father, he taught me a lot about what it means to be a Con.

[Cue subtle emotional heartstring music.]

“My father died of cancer only a couple of years back. Seeing this man, with 27 confirmed kills in The Turnover, struggle even to eat a meal in his final months was terrible.

[Images of family members around hospital bed.]

He shot himself when it got too painful. He committed suicide just before my 34th birthday, and just before we had it won. The timing made it both the best and worst experience imaginable.

[Pallbearers carrying  the casket. Pictures of framed pictures of the deceased standing in front of the casket and funereal flower arrangements.]

“He definitely died because of the Libs. Or at least, they were the main part of it. He directly attributed his illness to socialists. He said their policies were poisoning him. I think it’s totally fair to say that the Libs put him in an early grave.

“I’m here for him. I want to show them all how my dad taught me a real Con should act. He raised me with guns, taught me to own plenty of guns, and that I can do whatever I want with any of them. Most importantly, he taught me that I should let anyone who gets in front of me know that they’d better look out because I’m only responsible for what happens behind the gun.

[Pictures of Darrel with his gun collection, and on successful hunting trips.]

“Today I’ll be hunting with my M4. Since it’s my first run, I thought I’d start off pretty standard. I am also carrying my father’s .38 Special. I’m hoping I can make him proud, and honor his memory by closing the book on a guy with it. Who knows what can happen out there, but I’m feeling ready.

“I’m excited to represent my country and my family. I know it’s cliche and all, but this is like a dream come true. I never thought I’d get to be a contestant on my favorite show.

[Dramatic cuts of Darrel for the promo]

“My name is Darrel Cummings, and I’m ready to hunt.”

[Lights come back up in the theatre, as applause for the previous segment fills the room. The host is now back onstage.]

“We’re going to go live to Darrel now, who’s out on our course. Darrel, how are you doing?”

Darrel- “Hey, I’m good, sir. How are you?”

“We’re fine, Darrel. Fine. So tell us, it looks like  you are in our Budweiser Camo Tree. Is that right?”

Darrel- “That’s right, sir. I’m here waiting for the first wave to be unleashed. I was trying to decide between this, and the Barclays Brigade Bunker, but settled on this spot as it was always my dad’s favorite. Now I’m just looking to pick off a few before they realize where I’m at.”

“Sounds like a great plan, and I’m sure you’ll do great. We’re all rooting for you! Let’s give Darrel a round of applause!”

[Crowd cheers for Darrel. Host turns back to the audience.]

“Alright, now we’re going to–”

[Crowd starts to boo, knowing what’s  coming next.

“I know, I know, they’re terrible. But, ladies and gentlemen, let’s take a moment to meet a few of our pathetic Libs. And, you know, as always, I want to remind everyone to remember that many of these people are completely crazy, completely bought in to their propaganda, you know, and are all suffering from the dreaded TDS, is what they call it.

“So, not that I need to tell you twice, but don’t pay attention too closely. If you want to go to the bathroom, now is as good of a time as any, really. Ah, who am I kidding, don’t go anywhere. Let’s meet our Lib Targets!”

[Crowd boos intensely as the lights go back down.]

[The video is all taken in black-and-white. The people on-screen are bruised and frail. The clips are chopped together as we get a sense of who our forty libs are for the episode. The crowd boos fiercely throughout the video, making it hard to make out what people are saying, which are things like this.]

“I didn’t go to Harvard to be put in a cage.”

“You all have been brainwashed, it’s clear as day!”

“I DO believe I have a right to speak out.”

“Please help me! They’re going to kill me!”

“You can’t keep doing this!”

“That leader you guys follow is a complete psycho.”

[The host makes a gesture for the audience to quiet down. He wants them to hear this last clip.]

“If you really want to kill me, you can kill me.”

[The crowd yells and the lights go up. The Host turns smiling to the audience.]

“Well there you have it, folks. “If you really want to kill me, you can kill me.” That’s what he said. Isn’t that beautiful?

“It sounds to me like he just gave consent. His wish is our command, right? Let’s hope Darrel is as good on the trigger as he says, and doesn’t waste his rookie run shooting wide. Darrel? You there?”

Darrel- “I’m here, sir.”

“Darrel, we’ve got the forty Libs in the four containment pens on each side of the map. They look, like all Libs, to be extremely disgraceful and weak. A big, strong man like you ought to have no trouble putting them down.

“But still, as you know, once we let ’em out, it’s all up to you. Are you ready to roll?”

Darrel- “Sir, I’ve been ready. All I’m thinking now is how fast can I get it all done. Let’s do this. Send ’em out.”

“I love it! I love that energy. Don’t you worry. We’ll be sending ’em your way soon!

“Place your bets folks. Can Darrel survive the swarm? Will he break our record for efficiency? Or do  some of these Libs have a pinch of the fighting spirit?

[Crowd boos.]

“Ah, of course not! We’ll soon find out if Darrel can break the record right in a moment, but first we’ll pause for this quick commercial break.

“Don’t go anywhere, folks. You wouldn’t want to miss it.”

 

 

 

fast food

[somewhere in america a car pulls in to order in the drive thru lane at burger palace.]

hi, welcome to burger palace! can i take your order?

yes, thanks, i’d like a–

oh, and will you be ordering using our mobile app today?

uh, no. but thank you.

ok, and i just need to let you know that if you decide to order via our app at any time, you’ll be provided with valuable weekly coupons, as well alerts to specials we’re running. we also give away a free burger every month to app users!

cool. but, you know, while that sounds amazing, i’m just not sure that now is a good time for me. 

when would be a good time?

i don’t know, never? 

i  need to put in a date, sir.

why? 

for the fidelity of our records. any date will do.

ok, how about April 20th of 2069?

great! and can i get your phone number?

what? why?

we’d like to send you a text reminder to download the app at the date you’ve chosen.

no, thank you. please, i’d really just like to order my food, if that’s ok?

but you said you’d consider downloading the app at a later date? i’m only trying to help.

you know what would be really helpful? if you took my order and gave me my food.

 of course! what can i get you?

i’ll have a number four, no pickles, with a large fry, and a Sprite. please. 

ok, a number four, no pickles, large fry, and a Sprite?

that’s it!

anything else. 

nope. that’s it for me. i like to keep things sim–

ok, and your email?

oh, it’s… why would you need it? 

we just need it to complete the transaction and alert you when your food is ready.

i’m in the drive thru. don’t i just pull around and get it from you?

you’ll also get weekly coupons and alerts to specials we’re running.

i don’t want that. 

we also give away a free burger every month to our email subscribers!

… so it’s the same as the app?

technically, they are different coupons and specials. and a different free burger.

so a person can get two free burgers per month if they do both?

unfortunately, no.

but you just told me a person gets one burger from the app, and one from–

prices and participation may vary, sir.

what does that have to do with anything? you are the ones saying you’re giving free burgers out to people using the app and people getting the emails. you are telling me how to participate  in the emails and the app. neither of which i want, of course. i’m just saying, if someone wanted to they could…

sir, i can provide you with our terms and conditions, but i should let you know that by engaging in our ordering system you have already accepted them. therefore, you cannot continue to discuss these matters with me now that i have determined you are a nuisance to our brand, and marketing and promotions team.

i asked a question.

that’s one way to characterize it, sir.

what the hell are you talking about? and what are your terms and conditions, anyway? i’d like to see them.

they’re posted on our food menu, sir. if you’ll look in the lower right quadrant…

i see nothing like what you’re describing.

you see that black block just under the apple pie listing?

yeah.

those are our terms in full. they are written very small but, fortunately for you, that doesn’t exclude them from being legally binding.

how could you ever expect anyone to notice that? let alone read or agree to something this preposterous?

sir, as i’ve mentioned, your behavior is in direct violation of our terms. this is all included of the amended terms and conditions we rolled out after our initial rollout. 

i take it these amended terms in the little block of text as well?

no sir. as you agreed in the original terms, you agree to our terms regardless if they are written or not.

i never agreed to anything like—

in fact, our original terms indicate that a change need not even be currently conceived for our customers to agree to those said terms.

how can… never mind. are you a burger jerk, or a contract lawyer?

i’m well versed in these discussions, sir. i take it you must be a lawyer?

well… no.

i find that shocking, sir.

listen, kid, you don’t get to berate paying customers just because your lawyers are dicks. and at this point you’re assuming i’ll pay for anything! i don’t even want this food, or anything from you.

failure to pay, sir, is a felonious act punishable by six years hard labor.

says who?

says our terms and conditions. and the united states congress.

congress? what the hell do they have to say about it?

sir, though i’m distressed to hear that you are not in favor of the ‘ethical consumption of american patriots bill’, i will spare you and, just this once, not alert the authorities that i have come into contact with someone i believe may be a domestic terrorist.

terrorist?! i’m not anything like–

please pull around, sir. we’ll have your food ready at the window.

[pulls around to the window. man curses to himself while driving around. window opens.]

ok, so i’ve got a number four, no pickles, large fry and a Sprite?

yeah, listen, tell your manager i don’t want it. tell them they can go to hell. check that, i’ll tell you myself, “You can all go to hell!”

[A shot blasts through the windshield.]

JESUS!

sir, that was a warning shot. and that was also my manager. he’s up there in the sniper tower, and is listening to our entire conversation. he’s telling me to tell you to please pay for your food and to stop causing a scene. this is a family establishment.

Oh I’M causing a scene?!

yes sir, by belittling our hourly team member over the intercom and inflicting emotional damage upon them. by the way, is  your name Joseph Alexander Timmons?

how the hell did you know that?

we ran your plates. here’s a little something for you, Mr. Timmons.

[throws a packet of documents into his car window]

you’ve just been served.

what the hell is this?

you are now being sued by burger palace.

but, WHY?

sir, i’d can no longer answer any of your questions, as you are now involved in a litigious matter with my company. however i can say that it might have something to do with your clear violations of our terms and conditions.

this is complete bullshit!

seven ninety-eight, sir.

seven ninety-eight, what?

for your food. seven ninety-eight.

no way! i’m not paying! 

sir, don’t make my manager fire again. as i mentioned, that first shot was a warning.

he can’t kill me for not paying.

sir, that’s why we have a sniper tower.

jesus. fine. i can’t  wait to fucking nail you pricks. i can’t fucking wait!

[another shot blasts through the windshield.]

CHRIST!

please, sir, watch your language.

here, take my damn card and give me my meal.

thank you, sir.

[runs card. swipes it again. puzzled look.]

it’s saying it’s declined.

declined? how? it must be the system.

i assure you our system is working fine. how much money do you have in your account?

not that it’s any of your business, but i have like four hundred bucks in there. 

ok, so why are you trying to pay for your meal with this card? do you want me to split it up between cards, or…

are you saying i’m supposed to pay you $798 for this shit?

yessir, that’s the total i told you. was that not clear?

i can’t fucking believe this.

it was in the email we sent you. 

i never gave you my email!

we bought it from a third party provider, lexis-nexis if you’re familiar with them.

please, just let me leave!

sir, judging by your credit score i’m sure you’re used to being squeezed by unruly debt collectors and what not, but i assure you, we’re the good guys. 

i don’t even want my food. i just want to  leave.

tell you what, i’ve given you the meal  for just the price of the sandwich: $400. normally i can’t do that, and would  worry bout my boss shooting off my head for doing so. but i can tell you’ll be coming back  and, anyway, our terms and conditions demand that you do.

that’s great.

here’s your card back.

thank you.

here you are!

[holds food out to the man. pulls it back in.]

actually,  i forgot something.

what is that?

i’ve texted you a one-time, six digit code. i’ll need you to confirm your identity before we can complete this transaction.

[man floors the gas in a break for the burger palace exit. a shot rings out and blasts through his back window. the car jerks, then rolls, quietly, into the growing pile of shot up cars across from burger palace. the sun sets behind the wreckage.]

the end

vivid dream

staying the night in a hotel.

something-something-

“green carpet inn” type place.

never been.

the walls are also forest green.

 

there for the night with two friends:

will, and an old friend gabe who

i haven’t seen in years.

everything is dream-normal.

 

i go to sleep.

in the night i wake up and

there’s a roach on my face.

 

i swat it off, get up, and see roaches in the bed.

in the sheets.

wrapped up in my clothes.

roaches crawl all over the ceiling.

they fly across the room.

they’re getting bigger.

i step on as many as i can,

and am frightened and disgusted.

 

they’ve taken over the room.

i’m leaving the room, but

where are all these goddam roaches coming from?

the wall over my bed has fallen away, but

was it ever there in the first place?

 

did i not see that the hotel’s open trash-chute flows

right by the room,

right past the head of my bed?

 

thousands of oranges and grapefruits

of all different colors,

even blue and green,

are being thrown away.

so many fruits are being thrown away they’re

stacked up in the chute.

 

i can tell there is a lot of juice loose, and

know it’s fermenting somewhere at the bottom.

the roaches are feeding off all the sweet trash, and

coming into the room through the open wall.

 

the hotel room is nasty and full of roaches.

so i leave in a hurry.