narrator: joe biden fights for working people.
cut to: joe biden at campaign rally talking tough.
joe- “i told ’em, you damn well better get it done guys! come on!”
narrator: now that joe has earned the nomination, and overcome a new enemy…
[black and white footage of bernie sanders]
narrator: socialists who infiltrated our elections and turned everyone stupid, like bernie sanders– may he rest in peace.
bernie- healthcare is a human right!… right!… right!… right!… right!…
[the words echo and tumble into a spiraling vortex of darkness. the darkness opens up on bernie’s tombstone with the words, “it wasn’t a heart attack,” engraved on it.]
cut to: elizabeth warren on a park bench. she’s wearing a blue pant suit and all the grass around her is very green and bright.
warren- together, we’re going to take the fight to donald trump, aren’t we, joe?
[biden enters the scene. he stands behind her and the park bench. he takes a firm grasp of her shoulders. warren strains a smile.]
joe- we sure are! you better believe it, buster, now that i got my new running mate here.
[he pats her shoulder. warren smiles up at him. he playfully ruffles her hair. she looks at the camera with ruffled hair.]
cut to: close up on joe.
joe- ’cause we’re gonna come out firin’ and fighting, and we’re not gonna quit. we’re not going to quit until you vote for me, joe biden, and my future vice president, mrs. warren here. because we will take down donald trump and we’re gonna undo all his malarkey in 2020. we’re going to take it all down and go back to the good ol’ days when everything was fine, and great, like it was in 2008 when my old pal barack and i used to shoot hoops at the white house, and all the world was dandy.
[joe flashes his winning smile.]
cut to: warren leaning against a tree, her hair slightly ruffled. joe can be seen wandering in the distant background.
warren- and now that bernie’s gone, i’m here to unite the party and help bring some clarity to joe’s ramblings. progressives: you know me! i used to be cool! and i’m still cool, even though i stayed in the primaries past when i knew i was relevant as a legitimate candidate, if only to steal momentum from the largest grassroots movement since the civil rights era. and with bernie out, and AOC in prison, what other progressive are you going to root for?
cut to: biden and warren standing back to back like they’re on a 90’s movie poster.
joe: so vote for me in november, pal! and remember, i’m the good guy!
warren: that’s right, joe! we’re going to work hard to undo the damage that trump has done, while also working hard to ensure that our broken system remains untouched by whiny socialists too lazy to pay their $8,000 insurance deductibles. because that’s the best choice you have in november!
joe: for anyone opposed to all-out fascism, we’re the ONLY choice!
[they smile. wave to the camera]
joe’s voice narrates: i’m joe biden, and you better believe i approve this damn message. and i’ll tell you another thing…